Emotional support

Emotions

Reply

1 to 5 of 5 posts

New bride

Hey there just wanted to share something that Ive been experiencing lately. I got engaged about nine months ago and we will be married in about 8 weeks. I have been going through a rough stage with my family about my wedding and fiance. For one my father and my fiance dislike each other due to a fallout they had a few months ago. After the whole thing my dad just turned very negative towards our marriage and believes we wont 'last long'. My fiance respects him and all but he constantly complains about what a bad father he is and how he never shows any support for our marriage. I agree with him ofcourse because it is true they have always put me in the non important category. My dad tries to compete with him as crazy as that sounds and I honestly believe he sees him as a threat. I honestly dont know why, hes always showed so much respect and been helpful. Then things just went downhill and it affected our relationship so much. I told my fiance that I didnt want him to let this affect our relationship and he agreed. But then after a few months it just made things worse. We argued all the time constantly over family. I have never disrespected his family. They live in a different country, so we only had contact through phones. But he does this one thing I hate where whenever we fight he compares me to my parents. Its so upsetting that his built this much hatred towards them. My dad pretty much kicked him out when they had their big fight. It was so bad, and he was shocked at what it had lead to. He couldnt  under stand why he did such a thing, for months he yelled and screamed at me whenever i told him to mend things. It was so hurtful being in the middle of my dad and my fiance. Now things are okay i guess. But then theres my parents lack of care and support, its more my dad Id say...

He never asks me or shows any enthusiasm about the wedding. My fiance is working long hours at work, he saved up money to bring his mum, dad and grandmother here. Im so proud of him because he did it all on his own. Nobody helped him. There was also the money for the visa application fees, and again he payed all of it. My dad belittled him before saying that he couldn't do it all. But my fiance proved him wrong. Im so proud of all his hard work and appreciate what a hardworking fiance i have.  

Lately, my fiance and I have been having problems. I dont know if anyone has ever experienced this right before their wedding but to me it sounds wrong. Everything i say to him just irritates him and he never wants to hear it. I know hes been stressed and hasnt had any proper sleep. But he says the nastiest things to me, it feels like posion. I can never express my emotions because he never gets it. He tells me that I always ruin his mood. The things i talk about is just the wedding plans and the things we need to do. He has no patience for me at all. I feel like he hates me...

I just want some advice on this. I dont want to break up, that would be the last thing I would want. But i dont know what it is he seems to be. It could be stress. I just want to be positive at least for our wedding.

Wedding addict

Having been on the other side of this with inlaws who dislike you it can make you very bitter . Id sit down with your fiancé and have a deep chat about what he’s doing and how it makes you feel. You need to air things. 

Another thing that myself and my fiancé have agreed is contact with his family and that I will have very limited contact after the wedding as otherwise it puts a strain on us and put boundaries on your parents aka if they have nothing nice to say don’t say it at all. also Maybe it’s worth agreeing not to argue about them 

Bridezilla

As hard as this is, I think for now you need to put the wedding on hold. You can't enter into a marriage and expect it to work when there is this much tension and such big issues behind it. Yes, it's possible your fiancé is stressed and that's making the situation worse but he's probably stressed because he's due to marry someone who's new family don't seem to like him all that much. That's a difficult thing to deal with. Especially when you consider a marriage as a joining of two families.

If you don't mind me asking, what was the huge blowout between your fiancé and your dad about? Is it something that could be repaired if they sat and talked it through? I think you'd have to mediate and make it clear to both men that you can't and won't be happy until the issue is resolved and that if they really care about you, then they need to put their differences aside and at least be civil.

I'd try to schedule some time with your fiancé, maybe when he's got a day off, to talk about what is happening. Let him speak first - tell you how he's feeling about the run up to the wedding and issues with your dad. Hopefully doing it on a day off will alleviate some of the stress as he won't have just come in from work. 

Bridezilla

I think you need to set clear boundaries between your H2B and your dad. You will no longer tolerate your dad making comments about your fiancé (and vice versa) and I think you need to limit contact between them.

I think you need to have a talk with your fiancé and tell him how all of this affects you. You then need to put barriers in place. Like, aside from the wedding, your fiancé will not have to spend time with your dad. You need to tell your dad to lay off, less he ruin your relationship with him too.

My h2b's mum was always a bit jealous of me too. She felt I was taking her son away from her and while she was sweetness and light to my face, would make comments to my h2b behind my back. I can't imagine how I would have felt if my h2b hadn't stood up for me and I think that this is potentially part of the problem with your fiancé. Like, maybe he feels that you're not taking this seriously and that you don't have his back?

You need to reassure him that you care about how he feels and that you have his back in this. Having a serious conversation and then drawing clear lines in the sand to both your fiancé and your dad regarding how they interact with each other going forward is a start.

Bridezilla

I think I agree with MrsRendall, until you can get some clarity on exactly what your h2b is feeling and he's acting like this, I wouldn't continue with plans to marry.  Maybe it's the issues with your dad, and maybe it's something entirely different. 

Another thing to consider... even if it is the stress of your dad weighing on him, is this really an appropriate way to handle it?  It sounds like he's being cruel to you. Do you want to be married to someone that takes their stress out on their partner?  I hate to point it out, but the two of you are going to go through FAR more stressful events in your life than a parent that's pissy over the wedding. You have to know that you are with someone that can appropriately handle stress and not take everything out on you. 

Talk to your h2b.  Give him a chance to tell you what's going on, and don't automatically assume it's the problems with your dad.

Log in or Sign up to add your reply